I Am Finally Old

What should I say? I never considered myself as "old", never really saw myself as others probably saw me. Isn't that the way the ancient saying goes? Everyday, appearing in front of the mirror, carefully examining the same "all-too-familiar" face for bumps and stubble, I didn't see it happening - growing old that is. But, it happened!

Now, don't get me wrong on this, I really don't have a problem with the aging process - really I don't. It's just that I never really thought that it would effect how others treated me. Now I know and I must say, it is eye opening. It happened last night.

My wonderful wife and I went to a St. Valentine's Day Dinner at the church we are attending. We have been making the Sunday morning visit a pretty regular thing so we have come to know a number of people there and with some we have grown quite friendly. What happened there that night is quite telling, but you really have to know me to appreciate it.

Let me start by saying that I guess some would lable me as an overly enthusiastic person - especially when the issue or subject at hand is important to me and I think it should be for others as well. Let's start with that. There were small groups of people huddled together talking and laughing, getting ready to putting their outer clothing on to go out into the cold night air. Being the forever friendly chap that I am, I reached out touching each group with a warm greeting and a friendly smile. To one small group in particular I made a comment regarding a book that I was reading and how much what the author said intrigued me.

The response was, on first consideration, rather unenthusiastic and nonresponsive - at least on the level that I had expected. But then again, I probably think that others will see in a book what I see and react the same way I do. Not so! But, give me that because that is the way I am with things that I find exciting and important in this life. In any case, that's the way I approached this group. I just didn't receive the response that I expected and I never connected the dots so to speak - until later.

As I was holding the car door open for my wife it suddenly hit me. The individuals in that small group weren't unenthusiastic and nonresponsive to my comments because they found them uninteresting and unimportant, they were simply being "tolerant" of someone older! Oh yes, perhaps the issue I thought pertinent was something nonessential to their way of thinking, but I really don't think it was that. It was important in relationship to the experience we all had just shared during the dining event since marriage and the husband/wife relationship was something we all shared - even if the duration of that relationship for each couple varied.

No, I rather think that what happened there that night between us was something I will call, for the lack of a better way of putting it, age referencing. What I shared wasn't considered on it own merit as much as it was referenced to the fact that I was older then they were - at least by a generation. Now, up to that moment, it never occurred to me as a possible reality in the conversations that I have attempted to strike up, but it had happened before. I had always chalked it up to people being unfriendly or disagreeing with what I was saying.

It really is peculiar and an odd feeling at that. You know, to be separated out and treated as different because of your age - like what you have to say is really not all that relevant to those younger who are listening to you. Age referencing! I really never thought that it would happen to me. And, I don't know if the fact that I have come to an awareness of this in my own personal experience with others that are younger than I am is actually the "real" sign that I have indeed, caught up to myself in the aging thing.

Oh well, its OK. Really, I'm OK with it. At least people will not expect so much from me anymore because, well, let's fact it - I'm old! lol, lol, lol, lol.

Good morning. Sitting here in my beat up second hand chair I wonder over the fact that I am writing in this blog again - and, for the second day in a row! To be honest, I really do not think that this will continue but, who knows, maybe - just maybe I will finish something.

The old black wood stove that I found as a result of my pennysaver ad growls in front of me as I write this. Boy, was it cold this morning when I first got up! This is the last time that I follow my wife's advice to let the old thing go until morning. The stove eats wood like a hungry orphan waiting his chance at the lavishly spread banquet table saying, "Just give me a knife, a fork, and a chance!"

The skys are slightly cloudy, but there I go, giving it the half-empty slant as I am in the habit of doing. Let's try again. The skys are partly sunny today. There, that's better. I really have to rein myself in on the tendency to see life in the "half-full" way. Its a slippery slope of negatives leading imperceiveably to unwelcome bouts of depression. Depression is a familiar figure in my life, but I must say, I have him by the collar now after long last. No, I'm not taking anti-depressants or anything like that. Its just that I have learned the purpose behind the ugly black curtain that falls over me at times, smothering away joy and choking off the life giving hope that the Spirit brings. But, enough of that.

Yesterday I came to an epiphany of sorts - one that ultimately effects how I view life and how I interact with it on a day to day basis. What is it you say? Well, some will not warm up to what I am about to reveal, but it comes after years of sincere and honest searching of the heart - believe me. This is what I have found to be so - my Creator does not have His hand in every jot and tittle that happens in my life hour after hour and day after day. At least, not in the way that I was first led to believe and have forced myself to believe these last 25 years or so.

Why do we need to be so "special"? I ask this because it is only our own ego that moves us towards the belief that God is beside us creating in our lives opportunity and perception of His unique and individually designed plans for every single individual. I do not see this as true anymore and I certainly cannot find the scriptural proof to support it unless I deftly read into certain passages my own presuppositions and ideas. God loves me, of this I am sure, but I will no longer demand of Him the special treatment that is accorded a spoiled child. It ultimately does not speak well for the child and even less so of the parent who gives it. God is not like that! But and however, far be it for me to say that God cannot do this or do that! I will just offer to you that I no longer see it as the Creator's normal pattern of doing things - of interacting with His creation on an individual one-on-one basis. Enough said.

My wife should be rising soon. It is time to move on towards what the day brings. I will follow the course the good Lord has laid down for all of those that choose the "path seldom trod". Simply, to do what is good and helpful to those around me - to extend to all when possible the love that shows mercy, respect, and encouragement. And, to give life to this "love" by what I do. This is where I should be, taking the initiative towards the life events that come to everyone on a day to day basis and using the gifts that He has given. Recognizing too, that sorrow as well as joy will come my way - this is as He said it would be. I will face it all with the Lord's promise that "in the end" of all things, the good will prevail and we will stand on the sea of glass together.

Have a good day and God bless.

Watching the Sun Come Up

I am sitting in my cottage home looking out the east windows towards the valley created by the eastern finger of the lake we call Keuka. The sun has finally risen above the gray cover of early clouds and I find myself blessed by its light and warmth. It is good.

My wife of thirty-six years lies resting. It is her time to slumber and gather together the warmth and comfort of her bed. She works hard and needs the extra time the morning allows. I love her so.

I however, enjoy rising early and with a hot cup of coffee allow the incumberances of this culture to slowly fall away from my attempt to engage with what is "real" in life. This is my time. It allows me to return to myself and consider what my choices for the day should be. It is this time that I can hear more clearly the still, small voice of my Creator and He fills my heart, mind, and spirit with His Spirit setting me again upon the "path" that is seldom trod - the narrow path.

As I contribute to this blog, I will reveal to all those who come to share their time with me; who I am, where I've been, and where I am going as He leads me on the "path" towards Himself and the community that will stand on the sea of glass. Come, walk with me.